


How to Pet: Throw the Ball

by drainbamage954 (cats_cradle6766)



Series: How To Pet [3]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Cats, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2013-01-31
Packaged: 2018-03-23 00:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3749029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats_cradle6766/pseuds/drainbamage954
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written as the side companion story for How to Pet: A User's Guide in January 2013.</p>
    </blockquote>





	How to Pet: Throw the Ball

**Author's Note:**

> Written as the side companion story for How to Pet: A User's Guide in January 2013.

Chanyeol likes a lot of things.

Chanyeol likes running and jumping and sleeping and playing and eating and fetching and having his belly rubbed and squirrels and he really, really, really likes to play with balls. Like, there is nothing better in all of the whole wide world than balls. Throwing them, catching them in his mouth, running around with them, having people throw them for him. 

Chanyeol really likes so many things sometimes he just can't take it and flops to the ground, tail beating against the floor because he is so goddamn happy that there is nothing else so amazing and awesome and just, yeah, life is amazing. 

Yeah, Chanyeol likes basically everything (except maybe fleas. Fleas suck. Stupid fleas) but there are only a few things Chanyeol loves. 

Chanyeol loves bones. 

Chanyeol loves food. 

Chanyeol loves barking.

Chanyeol loves Yifan. 

Actually, Chanyeol thinks of all the things (even balls) he likes Yifan best of all. Mostly because Yifan is nice and fun and big and has really nice hands that know just where to scratch him when he has a bug bite and because he smiles and smells like the outdoors and home. 

Yep. Chanyeol really mostly entirely loves Yifan lots. 

Yifan is probably the most amazing thing Chanyeol has ever known. 

Except bacon.

No, wait. Yeah, bacon is pretty awesome. 

Chanyeol likes to spend as much time as he can with Yifan. Playing with him, sitting with him, sitting on him, sitting near him, sleeping near him, barking at him, playing with him, panting at him, panting on him, drooling on him, running with him, sleeping with him. Yeah, Yifan is amazing. Chanyeol really really likes Yifan. 

Did you know that? That Chanyeol really thinks Yifan is the coolest thing ever since ever? 

Because you know what? That's what Chanyeol thinks as he wags his tail in abject delight when Yifan comes home at the end of the day, grabs Chanyeol's leash, and smiles his really awesome smile that reminds Chanyeol of sunlight and has a lot of gums and tells Chanyeol "Hey! Wanna go see Lu Han?!" and Chanyeol is so goddamn excited because HE GETS TO GO PLACES TODAY!

Chanyeol is a good dog. Probably the best dog. He's such an amazing dog that all other dogs are inferior because he's just so amazing and awesome and so impeccably trained and loveable. Yep.

Chanyeol bounds about on the way through the city with Yifan because he'd go anywhere with Yifan because Yifan is just the greatest human ever and Chanyeol loves him a lot. 

The city has a lot of interesting smells and things and it's all really cool and fun and wow what's tha-

Yifan is right. Chanyeol doesn't need to know what's in that box. It's probably dangerous. Chanyeol really likes Yifan because Yifan takes care of him and is amazing and pats his head in the best way ever and ooooh hands. 

Chanyeol's never been to Lu Han's before. Chanyeol kind of likes Lu Han even though he smells kind of funny and looks a little uncomfortable to be around Chanyeol sometimes. But Chanyeol likes him because Yifan likes him and if Yifan likes something than Chanyeol likes it to because Yifan is always right. But where Lu Han lives is new and interesting and smells interesting and looks interesting and wow interesting look at all the stuff!

"Come on, Chanyeol!" Yifan says and Chanyeol runs around because he's so happy because wow life is awesome. Chanyeol likes elevators. They're like big boxes that move you around and just wow ELEVATORS and sometimes your tummy makes funny feelings and it's the coolest thing ever. ELEVATORS!

Elevators with Yifan are even better. 

Lu Han's place smells funny. So does the small guy who smiles a lot. He smells really funny. Like those office buildings Yifan goes to and sometimes brings Chanyeol because he has something called a 'job.' Chanyeol doesn't know what a job is, but it sounds really complicated. Chanyeol doesn't think he'd like a job. It sounds too complicated. Chanyeol likes simple nice things. 

The tall person with the weird smelling man also smells funny but not as funny as the small one who looks a little annoyed. The tall one just looks a little worried. Chanyeol can smell his worry. Chanyeol feels bad. He shouldn't be worried. Chanyeol 'woof's at him because it's okay weird smelling tall man, Chanyeol likes you if Yifan likes you and Chanyeol thinks Yifan likes you so it's okay dude. Chanyeol, just to make sure tall awkward one understands this, nudges him in the hip with his nose. 

The tall one doesn't really seem to understand. That's okay. Not everyone can understand him like Yifan can understand him because Yifan is awesome. 

They sit down in the living room which is nice and smells li-

CAT!

Oh my Dog oh my dog oh my dog, dog, _dog_ there is a _CAT_ somewhere. Chanyeol looks around because, even if Chanyeol really likes squirrels, there is nothing more interesting than a cat ever. Cats are like, the weird small ones that are patronizing and snarky and always make Chanyeol feel like he's missing a joke. Was there a joke? Did you even say anything?

Where's the cat? 

Chanyeol really wants to know where the cat is. It smells a lot like cat. Like, wow cat. It smells so much like cat and Chanyeol really wants to find the cat because CAT.

Yifan is petting him. 

The cat can wait. 

Yifan's other friend, Yixing, is now here. He's with another guy who looks nice and smiles and hey! This new guy pets too!

Chanyeol likes Yixing's man friend who smells like Yixing and other things. Yep, this new guy? Totally fine in Chanyeol's book. Chanyeol likes him. Chanyeol likes Yixing for bringing this new guy. Chanyeol also likes Yixing. Chanyeol really likes Yifan.

Yifan. He's great. 

Chanyeol wants a ball to play with. Chanyeol wants to play the game where Yifan throws the ball and then Chanyeol goes and gets the ball and brings it back to Yifan so Yifan can throw it for him to go get again to bring it back. Do you know that game? It's an awesome game. 

Chanyeol should probably stay on the floor. 

Chanyeol leans against Yifan instead and thumps his tail on the floor because wow everything is really awesome. 

The door opens. 

PEOPLE!

Chanyeol really likes new people and it smells like Lu Han and-

CAT! CHANYEOL FOUND THE CAT! THE CAT IS WITH LU HAN!

Chanyeol is really good at running. Like, wow, he's the best at running ever. 

Chanyeol says hi to Lu Han in proper fashion. Yep, Lu Han smells like Lu Han. But Chanyeol always makes sure by smelling him in the proper 'smell' zone. Which is between the legs. Duh. But WOW THE CAT LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN BUT IS ON LU HAN AND- 

Why are you so scared, cat? Don't be scared! Chanyeol is just curious! Why do you look like a human? How do you look like a human? Can you tell me how to human? Can we be friends? Oh my dog, let's be friends!

Chanyeol really wants to be friends with the cat because the cat looks like it's scared and that makes Chanyeol sad because Chanyeol just wants to be friends. Friends? 

Let's be friends!

"YIFAN!" Lu Han yells really loudly when he has a cat human on him. Chanyeol just wants to be friends. Friends!

Oops. Yifan doesn't seem to think that's a good idea. Okay, if Yifan doesn't think it's a good idea, then, well, he probably should listen. Sorry Lu Han and cat. Sorry. Chanyeol will stop. 

But only because Yifan says so. 

Lu Han's cat looks really scared of him. Chanyeol doesn't want Lu Han's cat to be scared.

"What's your name?" Chanyeol huffs at the cat and the cat just looks really scared. Maybe Chanyeol needs to ask again. "WHAT'S. YOUR. NAME?" Great, the cat is ignoring him. He probably thinks he's better than Chanyeol. Or maybe he doesn't understand that Chanyeol just wants to be friends. Maybe since he's like a human he has trouble understanding Chanyeol like all of the other humans. 

How can Chanyeol fix this?

Chanyeol can show him!

Chanyeol jumps up because yes! This is a great idea! And he bounds to the cat because FRIEND! The cat runs away. No! Cat! Come back! Chanyeol just wants to be friends. Can you please be friends with me? Please? I just want to be friends! 

The cat doesn't seem to understand. He just smells like fear and not okay. Chanyeol should try harder! 

Whoops. 

The cat locked itself in the poop room. Chanyeol...

Lu Han looks worried. Lu Han smells worried. Lu Han also smells like the cat. Oh. OH. OOOOH. Whoops. 

Yifan doesn't look happy. 

Chanyeol thinks maybe he did something wrong. Did Chanyeol do something wrong? Was Chanyeol not supposed to be friends with the cat? Is that what was wrong? Chanyeol didn't mean to do something wrong. Chanyeol really didn't mean to. Chanyeol just wanted to be friends and learn how the cat turned into a human because Chanyeol thinks that's really cool. Can Chanyeol be human too? 

Yifan grabs onto Chanyeol's collar and Chanyeol knows that he did something wrong. Was it the jumping? It was probably the jumping. Chanyeol knows they've talked about it but Chanyeol can't help it. He just likes to jump. Like, Jumping is one of his favorite things. Yifan looks serious. Okay, Chanyeol will try not to jump so much from now on. 

Chanyeol is sorry. 

Chanyeol decides that he should just, you know, sit with Yifan for a wh-

No? 

Chanyeol has to go somewhere? Where does he have to-

Oh, the bedroom? Why the bedroom? Why can't Chanyeol stay with everyone else? Yifan? Why can't-

"You can't be with everyone right now, Chanyeol," Yifan tells him, looking worried. Why are you worried? "Jongdae is afraid of you. You scared him. I'm sorry, buddy." Oh, so that's the cat's name. Jongdae. It sounds weird. 

Chanyeol likes it when Yifan calls him buddy. It makes Chanyeol feel special. Chanyeol is special. Or else Yifan wouldn't love him so much. 

Chanyeol will be good. Chanyeol will go in the room and be good because Chanyeol loves Yifan and Yifan wants him to so, okay, into the room he goes.

The room is really boring. It smells weird. It smells like mating. And offices. And... other things Chanyeol doesn't know about but doesn't like a whole lot. 

Chanyeol will be good. Chanyeol has to be good. Chanyeol sits down. Chanyeol lies down. Chanyeol sits up. Chanyeol lies down again. 

There are sounds again. 

The door opens. 

"Hey, bud," Yifan says, stepping into the room with his awesome smile and Yifan smell and wow Chanyeol just really likes Yifan. Yifan! "Looks like I'm breaking you out of Prison! But on one condition." Yifan looks really serious. Chanyeol doesn't know what a condition is. Can he eat it? "You can't jump on people. And be nice to Jongdae. He's scared of you. So just stay with me, okay?"

Chanyeol 'wuff's at him because Chanyeol likes to stay with Yifan so he'll stay with Yifan and leave the others alone because Yifan is better than them anyway. Yes, Chanyeol will be a good dog. Chanyeol is a good dog. Chanyeol is the best. 

Jongdae the cat doesn't seem to like him very much but he also still smells like a cat and Chanyeol wants to know WHY DOES HE SMELL LIKE A CAT AND LOOK LIKE A HUMAN? Can Chanyeol do that? Jongdae the cat sits on Lu Han the human and-

Wow, can Chanyeol do that if he's a human to? It looks nice. Jongdae is watching him like he thinks Chanyeol will jump on him again. Don't worry Jongdae the cat. Chanyeol will not jump on you. Chanyeol is a good dog and will sit with Yifan because Yifan wants him to and Chanyeol loves Yifan. 

Jongdae the cat seems really comfortable with Lu Han. Chanyeol wonders how that works. Yixing's friend who smells a lot like Yixing is really nice. He pets really nicely. Wow, he's awesome. Yifan seems to like him too. Chanyeol likes him then. Chanyeol likes everyone really. Even if the tall one smells weird and so does the small one. Nah, Chanyeol just likes everyone. 

It's awesome. 

Yixing sits on the floor. Damn straight, the floor is amazing. Chanyeol looks up at Yifan. The floor is amazing right? Yifan scratches his ears. See? The floor is amazing. Chanyeol likes the floor. 

Chanyeol is hungry. 

Jongdae the cat is lying on Lu Han. It looks... comfy. Chanyeol can't lie on Yifan like that. Chanyeol wants to lie on Yifan like that. It looks nice. Can Chanyeol lie on Yifan like that if he's a human? Can Chanyeol be human? 

Does Chanyeol want to be human? 

What would human be like? 

Chanyeol would have to walk on only two legs (weird) and eat with his paws (also weird) and put on clothing (really weird) and do other human stuff (which is all kind of weird). But-

If Chanyeol is human, can he lie on Yifan like that? Will Yifan put his arm around Chanyeol like that if Chanyeol is human? Will Yifan play with his hair like that if Chanyeol is human? Can Chanyeol put his head in Yifan's lap like that if he's human and be with him and love him and Yifan love him too and everything will be amazing and loving and fantastic and they'll smell like each other and-

Can Chanyeol be human? 

Does Chanyeol want to be human?

But no, seriously, can Chanyeol be human...?

\---

"LU HAN!" Yifan yells into his cell phone, feeling horrible panic and terror and shock and inability to really deal with the current situation claw up his throat. "Lu Han! You- Damnit! You fucker!"

Of course Lu Han would hang up as soon as Yifan needed him the most. Which, really, he can't see as any time other than now when he has a naked guy in his apartment rocketing all over the place loudly and falling over himself and yelling about how amazing everything is while periodically tackling Yifan in a hug and shoving his face in various places Yifan really doesn't need it. 

He even licked Yifan. On the face. Like, legitimately dragged his tongue enthusiastically up the side of Yifan's face before smiling like the Walmart logo and flinging himself into the kitchen to yell about 'balls' and 'food' and 'wow legs.' Yifan would call the police, but really, Yifan doesn't entirely know what good that will do him. 

Yifan also can't find his dog. And Chanyeol is always there. Always there and always happy and always perfect and fun and loving and-

Well. That's kind of the reason Yifan isn't calling the police. 

Because barely twenty-seven seconds after Yifan had this naked guy flinging himself on top of Yifan as soon as Yifan came home from the bank, he told Yifan in really rushed enthusiastic loudness that he was 'CHANYEOL AND ISN'T THIS GREAT NOW I CAN LIE ON YOU TOO! OH MY DOG I'M HUMAN HAHA!' which was about the time that Yifan's brain short-circuited. Because, well, seriously what the fuck. How do you respond to that? 

The worst part? 

Yifan kind of believes him. If not for the ridiculous amount of energy and sheer volume of this naked guy who romps around everywhere as if gangly arms and legs are the coolest shit ever to exist, or the collar that hangs around his neck exactly the same as the one his Labrador wears, it's just he seems so-

Chanyeol.

"YIFAN!" Naked man yells, tumbling back into the room and slamming into him, crashing them both to the ground. Yifan is really glad he's at least wearing clothing. Naked man smiles so wide his face looks like it's split in half as his eyes do something... well, unnatural. Is one of them supposed to crease that small? 

Yifan thinks back on his dog. 

Okay, this is scary now. 

"Hi," Yifan answers as Naked Man looks overly happy about nothing at all.

"Yifan! I love you!" Naked man yells before flinging himself off of Yifan to roll about on the floor. On his back. Smiling like he's on every drug known to man. 

"Are you crazy?" Yifan asks, mouth dry.

"I'm Chanyeol!" Naked man yelps, flinging himself into a sitting position and beaming at Yifan. "You're Yifan and I'm Chanyeol and you're amazing and I love you and- BALL!"

What?

"Yifan! Ball!" Yifan barely has a moment to respond to this completely disjointed proclamation before Chanyeol is hurtling through the apartment, probably crashing into stuff from the amount of ruckus he's making, and Yifan is attempting to collect what is left of his sanity on the floor. "Blaall!" sounds a moment later as Chanyeol comes scampering back into view, tennis ball shoved in his mouth and Yifan does not want a repeat of what had transpired during his brief extremely unhelpful phone call with Lu Han. 

But seriously, Yifan really has almost no idea what to do. Naked man seems really excited about this tennis ball. 

"BLALLLLLLL!"

If Yifan is honest with himself, there is something extremely endearing about him. Much like he found Chanyeol endearing when he first went to the pound to pick out his companion. Something about how Chanyeol just fell over himself in his enthusiasm and happiness and utter delight at the world and seemed to just adore everything and anything. Something that just made Yifan's heart swell because, well, you can't really do much else. 

That's probably why Yifan had called Lu Han instead of the police. 

Naked man is now bouncing at him, looking so enthusiastic it hurts. Literally. Because every now and then he'll bodily throw himself onto Yifan in excitement. "Okay! Give me the ball."

Naked man somehow opens his jaw further. The tennis ball drops. Half of it is covered in warm spit. 

Ew. 

"Ball!" Naked man chirps, bouncing on his feet. Making other things bounce. 

Jesus Christ. 

"Please put on pants." Yifan feels him brain slowly begin to rupture. 

"BALL!" 

"Please, just, pants." Yifan's brain is currently being squeezed through a tube roughly the same size as his toothpaste. 

"BALL!"

"Oh my God, stop bouncing."

"BALL BALL BALL BALL THROW THE BALL!" 

Naked man gets impatient. Naked man jumps onto Yifan. Yifan is not used to naked men leaping onto him. Yifan is not used to having naked men attempting to climb onto him. Especially when said naked men are about the same size and weight of him. Yifan is a pretty big guy. He's used to seeing over the heads of all of his friends. And most of the people around him, really. Most of the people who are around Yifan and would potentially climb up him are much smaller than Yifan. Yifan is okay with this. 

Naked man is not smaller than Yifan. Naked man is much bigger than what Yifan is used to. Yifan is not okay with naked man attempting to latch himself onto Yifan. 

Yifan has balance problems.

This ends with Naked man yelling in surprise when Yifan trips over too many feet and falls. Yifan's world goes black as he cracks his head against the counter.

\---

Yifan wakes up to something wet lapping at his face and a splitting headache. He nearly cries in relief because that, at least, is normal. "Oh thank God," he sighs, laughing slightly as there is a small whine of concern from Chanyeol. "I thought for a moment tha-"

"Is master okay?" 

Fuck. 

Yifan bolts up so fast his head spins. Naked man Chanyeol dog human whatever the fuck why isn't this a dream rolls over backwards and sprawls in a lot of naked things as Yifan insides morph into a prehistoric creature. "No!"

Naked man Chanyeol dog human seriously what the fuck looks as if Yifan has just hit him extremely hard and has roughly the pain tolerance of a 6 year old child. Yifan has never seen anyone give him that wounded look in all his life. And that includes Tao, the kid who works with Lu Han and basically is made of rainbows and happy things despite his dark appearance. Yifan feels unnaturally guilty.

"What did I do wrong?" Naked man Chanyeol dog- fuck it. Yifan will just settle with Chanyeol. Because why the fuck not. 

"Who are you?" Yifan will start with the basics.

"I'm Chanyeol," Chanyeol naked man- Chanyeol says and looks really sad. "Why are you mad?"

"I'm not-" Yifan cuts himself off and closes his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose. Oh Goodness Fuck. "I'm not mad."

"But you sound and look and feel and smell mad and why are you mad? Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry." Chanyeol looks impossibly guilty and pitiful. "I don't know what I did but I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. I won't do it again whatever it is. I am sorry. Please don't be mad. I don't want you to be mad. I'm sorry, I love you."

Yifan has no idea what the fuck to do. Yifan gets up feeling horribly incompetent. Yifan picks up his phone. Yifan calls Yixing. 

"Sup." 

"I think my dog turned into a human," Yifan says in a little panic as he can. 

"Wow, you too?" Yixing doesn't sound nearly as surprised as Yifan expects him to. 

"What do you mean 'you too'?" 

"Well, turns out Chen? Joonmyun's cat? Yeah, apparently he’s Jongdae. Turned human or something." Yifan wants to kill Lu Han. "That's why he was all weird and stuff. But yeah, whatever." There is a pause. "Wait, Chanyeol's human now?"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN JOONMYUN'S CAT TURNED INTO A HUMAN AND IS JONGDAE AND-" Yifan doesn't like air. Air apparently doesn't like him either. "LU HAN IS FUCKING A FUCKING CAT?!"

"Technically, Jongda- I mean Chen- is human now," Yixing says. 

"I hate Lu Han." Yifan barely registers what he's saying. This must be what going insane feels like. "Can I kill Lu Han?"

"I don't think Chen would like that," Yixing says. "Wait, Chanyeol's human now?"

"Yes?"

"Yifan." Naked man Chanyeol is still sitting on the floor looking imploring. And guilty. And sad. Yifan doesn't do well with sad looking things. Yifan doesn't- oh fuck. 

"Wow," Yixing says. "Well, now you can find out why he was acting so strange?" Why is it worded like a question? Why is this happening? Why is there a naked man supposedly Yifan's dog in his apartment and just- why. Just why. 

"Help." It seems much more logical to ask Yixing for help than Lu Han. Why didn't Yifan do this in the first place?

"Yifan?" Chanyeol still looks sad and guilty and Yifan doesn't really have much resolve. 

"You're asking for help?" Yifan knows Yixing can be slow. But he knows Yixing is never this slow. 

"Please?"

"Yifan master?"

"Be over in an hour."

Yifan hangs up. Chanyeol looks pitiful. Yifan is not going to do well over the next hour. He sighs. "I'm not mad at you."

"But you seem so angry," Chanyeol says and shifts on the floor. "I am sorry. I don't know- I am sorry. Chanyeol was bad." He glances up and then down and then up and then down and then looks horribly sad and pitiful and just- Yifan does not do well with this sort of shit. "Was it the jumping? It was the jumping, wasn't it? I know you don't like the jumping. I am sorry. I will try to never jump again. I am sorry, Yifan master. I just got really excited because now I am human and you are human and it is amazing and I love you."

"Please stop saying that," Yifan cracks out, crouching down a bit to look at Chanyeol and his... not... naked... parts. 

"What?" Chanyeol looks cute- no, confused. But also cute. But no, confused. But- Fuck. 

"I love you," Yifan clarifies and Chanyeol immediately jerks to attention and looks elated. 

"I love you, too!" Chanyeol says brilliantly and Yifan wants to smack himself in the face. He especially wants to smack himself in the face a moment later when Chanyeol hurls himself on top of Yifan and beings rolling around in glee spouting "I love you so much and you are amazing and wonderful and the best and I like you lots and this is amazing and fantastic and I am a human and wow you still smell good and everything is lovely and I'd be wagging my tail in happiness but I don't have a tail because I am a human and humans don't have tails! HA!"

This must be hell. 

Or heaven.

Or purgatory. 

Or insanity.

Yifan settles for a mix of all possible options. 

Yixing tries to help. Chanyeol is enthusiastic and doesn't understand pants. Baekhyun is amused. Chanyeol remembers both of them and displays this recognition by bounding up to them and immediately shoving his face into their groins and guffawing happily. Yixing looks scarred. Baekhyun looks on the verge of hysterical laughter. Yifan feels first and second and every hand of embarrassment possible. "CHANYEOL NO."

Chanyeol seems to have absolutely no problem with Yifan grabbing him by the collar still around his neck and dragging him back. In fact, he immediately relents and looks up at Yifan with such adoration the other feels like a melon has just lodged in his throat. Fuck. 

Baekhyun and Yifan manage to somehow coax Chanyeol into a pair of Yifan's boxers and sweats by the time Lu Han arrives with Jongd- Chen and Lu Han immediately bursts into hysterical laughter while Chen and Chanyeol stare at each other. Chen looks apprehensive. Chanyeol looks excited. 

There is a brief moment in which Chen seems on the verge of flinging himself out the window while Chanyeol looks on the verge of exploding in delight before Chanyeol lunges at Chen. Chen, despite apparently once being a cat, seems to have lost some of his reflexes and is too late to escape as Chanyeol clamps about his midriff and begins babbling about 'humans' and 'not a dog' and 'friends!' and 'awesome' over and over while Chen seems to go through a series of intensely violent seizures. 

"HANDS OFF," Lu Han bellows, shoving Chanyeol in the shoulder with his foot forcefully and Chanyeol grunts as Chen makes a horrible gurgling sound. 

"Chanyeol! No!" Yifan yells, stumbling forward. It's extremely odd how the words roll out of his mouth so easily. Like it's entirely natural to address the half naked guy latched around Chen like he used to talk to his dog. Chanyeol looks up at him avidly. 

"MY BOYFRIEND," Lu Han yells.

"OFF!" Chen squawks. 

"CHANYEOL, COME," Yifan says loudly and Chanyeol immediately detaches to scramble towards Yifan. Yifan hadn't entirely expected that his calling his dog- pet- human- thing would result in- "Oof!" Chanyeol colliding into him with vigor. "Chan-"

"Yifan!" Chanyeol yells happily, somehow jumping even as he's half attached to Yifan. "Yifan! I am making a friend! Jongdae is a cat and he is a human and I am making friends!"

"Excuse me?" Chen says from the floor before Lu Han hauls him up. "I am not friends with dogs."

"Why not?" Chanyeol asks, bending over backwards, arms still wrapped around Yifan and- well, Chanyeol has a very nice torso. Like, really nice. Fuck. Nope.

Lu Han is giving him a look like he knows exactly what Yifan is thinking. Yifan is pretty sure he hates Lu Han a lot right now. Chanyeol is still in a half back bend looking at Chen in intrigue. 

"Because you're a dog," Chen says as if this is the ultimate explanation for everything, shifting behind Lu Han slightly and wrapping shoving his hands into the pockets of Lu Han's jeans. Suggestive. Lu Han looks extremely pleased with this turn of events. "I'm a cat. We don't do the friendship thing."

"But we could!" Chanyeol says twisting in his mostly upside down still clinging to Yifan pose that is really really revealing and Yifan has no idea where to put his hands. This is so far beyond awkward. "Be friends with me!"

"No," says Chen.

"Are you two wearing couple shirts?" Yixing asks looking at Lu Han and Chen.

"Yes," Chen answers. 

"I want to be your friend!" Chanyeol says, finally letting go of Yifan and stumbling upright to stomp his foot at Chen. 

"Chen kept wanting to get me a collar. I suggested an alternative," Lu Han explains. 

"Lu Han is mine," Chen says to Yixing, ignoring Chanyeol. 

"But I'm-" Chanyeol visibly droops. 

"I still maintain that I own Chen," Lu Han says easily, smiling as Chen rests his chin on Lu Han's shoulder. 

"Is there something wrong with me?" Chanyeol asks, whirling to look at Yifan with those really sad imploring eyes. 

Fuck.

"We own each other. Humans do that. I'm trying to be human," Chen adds, wriggling closer to his lover. 

"Yifan," Chanyeol looks sad. Yifan is horrible with sad. Yifan makes a weird sound in the back of his throat. 

Fuck. 

"I think you should, um-" Baekhyun says, looking between Yifan and Chanyeol worriedly. 

"Yifan!!" Chanyeol looks really desperate. Yifan is really lost. 

"Lu Han?" Yifan asks, feeling desperate. 

"I'm not a dog person, why are you talking to me?" Lu Han shrugs, watching as Chanyeol goes through various instances of manic depression. "Hug him?"

Yifan figures 'fuck it.' Yifan hugs Chanyeol. Chanyeol goes rigid. 

It's like air has ceased to exist. "What's this?" Chanyeol asks, voice soft for once as his head is pressed by Yifan's shoulder while Yifan tries to hug him in the least awkward manner possible. 

"A hug," Yifan answers feeling horribly strange in having to explain a hug. 

There is a pause before Chanyeol's arms twitch and come to rest around Yifan's waist. "Oh," says Chanyeol's slightly surprised voice. "It's nice. I like it. I like you. I like being human."

"Do we need to leave them alone?" Baekhyun asks from the sofa. 

"I think we're good. I mean, unless Chanyeol starts humping his leg or something. Then I vote we peace the fuck out." Lu Han's delivery of horrible statements sounding impossibly normal is impeccable. 

"I hate you, Lu Han," Yifan grumbles as Chanyeol nestles into the hug and sighs happily. 

"Sure you do," Lu Han says. "Just as much as Chanyeol hates you."

"I don't hate Yifan!" Chanyeol suddenly yips, wrenching himself from Yifan to stare at Lu Han in shock. "I love Yifan!"

Chanyeol looks distraught. 

Lu Han looks elated. "Exactly."

Yifan really wants to punch Lu Han in the face.

\---

Yifan stares. Yifan honestly doesn't entirely know what else he is supposed to do besides stare. Because Chanyeol has been spending the last twenty minutes just tilting his head back and forth, shaking his head slightly so his hair flops about in fluff, before making various faces and crossing his eyes. He keeps repeating this, sometimes making a few variations, but seems mostly content with just shaking his head in various degrees of wonder.

"What are you doing?" Yifan finally asks. 

"There's so much space!" Chanyeol says, voice full of wonder and amazement and fascination. Yifan stares some more. "Like, there's so much more space than there was before! It's so big!"

Yifan has a vague idea he knows what Chanyeol is talking about but also really, really hopes that he's incorrect. "What is?"

"My head!" Chanyeol may as well have discovered the universe with how astonished he looks. "Like, thinking is so much louder! And, just, wow. Do you also have a lot of space there? It's like being in a big field full of so many flowers I just- can I roll in my head?"

"No," Yifan says, realizing a moment later he's smiling. Really widely. Because maybe Lu Han and Yixing are right. And Chanyeol is a dumb dog. But that doesn't mean that Chanyeol isn't-

Wait, Chanyeol's human. 

Yifan is still dealing with that. He'll get to that at some point. Eventually. Just, you know, not right now. 

"No matter how many times I tilt my head to the side, it still sounds the same!" Chanyeol says, tilting drastically to the side with wide eyes. "I could fit so many things in here!"

"Probably." Yeah, Yifan is definitely smiling now. Chanyeol- Well, Chanyeol is just Chanyeol. And Yifan has always had a weakspot for his do-

Human. 

"Is your head like this?" Chanyeol asks, finally pausing to look at Yifan with his head cocked slightly to the side. 

"Not really," Yifan says, looking down and resuming what he was doing. What was he doing? Carrots. Yifan was peeling carrots. Yifan doesn't even like carrots. "I just, you know, think a lot. So there's always stuff up there. I don't- um- no."

"Oh," Chanyeol says, nodding slowly. "So, can I put stuff up there?" Chanyeol perks up. "Can I put balls up there?"

Yifan's hand slips on the vegetable peeler and he nearly takes off his pinky. "Um-"

"I really like balls." Nope. Just- nope. "Do you like balls?" This really needs to stop. "Balls are the best. I love playing with balls."

"Stop talking about balls," Yifan strangles out dropping the peeler and carrot into the sink and breathing through his nose because that's about the only thing he can do right now. 

"Why?" Chanyeol really is a dumb dog. No, dumb human. A very endearing human who was once Yifan's dumb but endearing dog but now is a human because Yifan listened to Lu Han about making a wish because Chanyeo-

"Why were you so sad?" Yifan asks, frowning as he remembers the reason he made that wish in the first place. 

"I was sad?" This appears to be news to Chanyeol. "I don't like being sad. Sad is a horrible feeling. It feels so sad to be sad."

Yifan just gives up on making dinner. He may accidentally cut off his hand if he attempts to do anything. And, with his current luck, it would be with something stupid. Like a butter knife. Or a fork. "Yeah, you were sad for a while. Like, after we visited Lu Han's place and met Jongda- Chen. You were really strange. You kept avoiding me but then getting really affectionate and then acting really- um." Yifan still doesn't really have a good explanation for how Chanyeol had been behaving aside from strange.

"OH!" Chanyeol apparently understands this. "I remember!" He looks suddenly very distracted. "Wait, I remember? Wow! I remember! Remembering things! I've never been good at remembering things! Wow! So that's what all this space is for! Oh man, space is the best!" Yifan is glad he gave up on the carrots. 

"So why were you so sad?" Yifan figures that direct questions are the only thing Chanyeol can probably handle right now. If he's too vague, Chanyeol will probably get distracted and start rambling about how much he likes balls all over again. 

"Oh!" Chanyeol drops his head to the side before flopping over the counter and lolling. "I wanted to be a human so I could do human things like Jongdae the cat was doing with Lu Han." Yifan is really, really glad he gave up on the carrots. "I wanted to do them with you." Yep. Thank fuck he gave up on those carrots. 

Clarification. That's probably necessary. 

"What kind of things?" Basics. Stick with the basics. 

"Playing with you. Talking with you. Walking with you. Sitting with you. Sitting on you. Lying on you. Holding you. You holding me. Petting hair. I like petting. Will you pet me? I like it when you pet me. You're really good at petting. I like it a lot. Also, can I smell like you like Jongdae the cat smells like Lu Han? Or can you smell like me like Lu Han smells like Jongdae the cat? That would be awesome because I love you and then everyone would know how much I love you because we'd smell like each other and it would be amazing and I love you."

Chanyeol apparently has no control over the speed or volume of the words that exit his mouth. Yifan tries not to make a violent hand gesture and, you know, accidentally knock something over or potentially shove his hands into Chanyeol's fluffy soft wild hair and pet him exactly like Chanyeol has just suggested. 

"You really can't go around talking like that," Yifan says instead. Basics. 

"Like what?" Chanyeol apparently perks up at everything and anything. Just like he used to. 

"Talking about all of these things you like and, uh- want to do," Yifan says and does not blush. He has an impromptu fever. Shut up. "And saying you- um, love me."

"But I do love you," Chanyeol says, lounging on the counter and looking up at him. "I love you lots and bunches and you're the best human ever. I really like you. Like, you're so amazing and awesome and you love me and I love you and basically everything is amazing and yeah, I love you."

Yifan has a serious fever. He's probably dying. The words on his tombstone tomorrow will read 'Here lies Yifan. He had a fever. This fever killed him and a lot of people were sad about it.' "Yeah, stuff like that," he says, clearing his throat. "You shouldn't say stuff like that."

"Then what am I supposed to say?" Chanyeol asks, and pushes himself up a bit to look at Yifan in concern. 

"Um-"

"Yifan!" Chanyeol is very loud. "Can you teach me to be a human like you and Lu Han and Yixing and the man who smells like Yixing and nice things and Jongdae the cat who is a human but also a cat so I can be human too and we can do all the amazing human things?"

Yep. Yifan is probably in the critical stages of dying. Or reincarnation. Before death. That's a thing, right? Totally a thing. "Sure?"

Yifan doesn't really bother trying to finish cooking dinner. He doesn't really think he's up to it after experiencing Chanyeol plaster himself to him and bouncing around enthusiastically, head buried in the side of his neck and licking in delight and babbling about 'happy' and 'human' and 'I love you.'

Yifan is pretty sure he hates Lu Han. Just, well, maybe not as much as he probably should. Which is bad, right?

Yeah, probably bad. 

Chanyeol is very enthusiastic.

\---

Chanyeol learns things very quickly. This is actually incredibly surprising, considering it took Yifan about 20 minutes to teach him about putting his legs through the proper leg holes in his boxers and pants and another fifteen in which Chanyeol just giggled a lot before he finally managed to get his head through the neck of a tee shirt. It's astonishing, all of this considered, that Chanyeol, four days after he had first bodily slammed into Yifan babbling about 'happy' and 'legs' and 'I love you' that the gangly exuberant human is bounce-walking down the street with Yifan.

Though it did take three days before Chanyeol fully grasped the concept of a toilet and that no amount of whining and pouting at Yifan by the door, holding a leash, would get Yifan to take him outside. To take a shit. In public. 

Nope. 

But Chanyeol has learned a lot. 

Chanyeol learned how to put on pants (thank fuck). Chanyeol learned you can't shove your face into a plate to eat. Chanyeol, much like Jongda- Chen, really finds spoons to be the most amazing thing ever. However, Chanyeol, thankfully unlike Chen, does not hit people with them. He does, however, pop them to hang out of his mouth as he runs around the house enthusiastically and Yifan is in a constant state of panic at the very real threat Chanyeol will trip and impale himself. On a spoon. 

Yifan feels a lot like a baby sitter. 

Yifan was never good at babysitting. He tried once when he was in middle school because it seemed like an easy way to make money. The kid he was supposed to baby sit burst into terrified tears as soon as Yifan had shown up (Shut up, puberty is a horrifying experience for everyone) and Yifan had spent the whole time trying to persuade the kid he wasn't going to eat him or sprout raptor claws. 

Yeah, babysitting was not something Yifan excelled at. Yifan is good at a lot of things. Being tall. Talking. Standing with amazing posture. Sometimes dancing. Scowling. Magic tricks (yeah, that's right. Magic tricks). Yifan is a man of many talents. 

Chanyeol apparently doesn't mind that Yifan is just about as good at taking care of other things as he is at taking care of himself (which, admittedly isn't so bad) and thinks he's still the most amazing human to ever inhale. Though to be honest, Yifan thinks that Chanyeol may be severely biased. 

"Treats?" Chanyeol chirps, bouncing on the balls of his feet rather than walking like a normal person. He sways slightly as he keeps up a similar gait to Yifan, just like Yifan had taught him ("Heel!" "Chanyeol!" "No! Like, stay next to me and don't run away." "Why would I run away? Are you going to throw a ball?!" "No! Just- ugh. Heel?" "Chanyeol?").

"No," Yifan says patiently. Yifan has been doing a lot of things patiently. Yifan has astounding patience. "We're going to meet Lu Han and Jong- Chen."

"Right," Chanyeol says, nodding definitely and glancing at Yifan a few times before seeming to decide that he needs to look… constipated? 

Yifan tries to hide a smile. He doesn't succeed. "What are you doing?"

"Serious," Chanyeol says, trying to school his mouth into cooperation. "I should be serious. I am a serious human like Yifan." Yeah, Yifan is really bad a hiding his smile at the moment. Chanyeol glances at him with a searching expression, face brightening. "No serious?"

"You don't have to look serious all the time," Yifan says. His smile feels permanent. "You can, you know, just be you."

"Oh," Chanyeol says and seems to think. It looks difficult. "So I can be happy and excited and look at things and smell things and - hey! What's that?"

This is something Yifan has prepared for. In the span of the past four days, Yifan has become very accustomed to Chanyeol getting distracted by, well, everything. As in, the breeze picks up and Chanyeol suddenly has left the conversation with every bit of brain he possesses. Yifan has prepared for this. So, when Chanyeol attempts to bound off to where-ever-the-fuck, Yifan reaches out calmly and loops a hand into the collar that is still loose around the other's neck, tugging him back firmly. Chanyeol lets out a small surprised grunt before he immediately returns to Yifan's side, looking sheepish. 

"Oh, right." Chanyeol is very good at looking sheepish and adorable and Yifan gave up on trying to not find him endearing about three days ago. Chanyeol grins with his huge smile and Yifan finds himself smiling like an idiot. "No running off. Human's don't do the whole look at everything thing."

"No," Yifan agrees, releasing the collar. He had initially taken it off. That had been a bad idea. Considering the first time Chanyeol had gone outside he'd run into the street and nearly been hit by a car while sending Yifan in the beginning stages of cardiac arrest. "No running off. You stay here with me."

"I can do that," Chanyeol says and nudges into Yifan's side with that brilliant smile that has that melon once more taking residence in Yifan's throat as he feels fond all over the place. Yes, fond. We'll just stay with fond. Yifan is fond. Really fucking fond of Chanyeol. Because you can't not feel fond of Chanyeol. He just very fond inspiring. 

Yifan is fond. 

"I don't want to go away from you because I like you so mu-" Yifan gives Chanyeol a look with his eyebrows and Chanyeol snaps his mouth shut before grinning in acknowledgement. "I can stay beside you. I'll stay beside you forever."

Yifan has been getting a lot of fevers lately. 

Lu Han and Chen are waiting in the park, talking animatedly about something or whatever and Lu Han keeps smirking as Chen keeps poking at him and saying something with a lot of emphasis. They're wearing matching sweaters. And shoes. Yifan is pretty sure he wants to throw up. "Still doing the couple shirts?"

"Lu Han is mine," Chen says, wrapping a hand possessively around Lu Han's and lacing their fingers together with determination, staring hard as steel at Yifan. "Mine."

"It beats a collar," Lu Han says, shrugging before nodding to Chanyeol in greeting. 

"I still wear a collar," Chen says, turning to Lu Han swiftly, the small black band prominent around his neck. 

"Yes," Lu Han says, fondness in his voice as his eyes trace the article. "Yes, you do. And it looks so handsome on you."

Chen looks impossibly pleased. 

Yifan really doesn't want to know the details. 

They go out for lunch. Yifan and Lu Han order normal food for them while Chen frowns and corrects Chanyeol's 'spoon etiquette' with a patronizing frown. Lu Han watches Chen fondly and Yifan tries to ignore the hand that is obviously on the smaller man's thigh. Or somewhere else. Yifan doesn't really want to double-check where Lu Han has his hands. 

Chanyeol makes it through public lunchtime and turns to Yifan with a huge excited grin on his face. Yifan is smiling before he realizes it and ruffing his hair. Chanyeol looks so delighted it's almost painful as it makes Yifan's chest expand impossibly. Lu Han is watching them in amusement. Chen just looks slightly bored, though he may also be smiling. Or smirking. Or sneering. Yifan isn't sure. 

"So, here we are," Lu Han says later, sighing slightly as he stretches and watches as Chen and Chanyeol walk ahead of them at a safe distance. Chen is apparently explaining something very thoroughly to Chanyeol, who is frowning in intrigue and concentration. Lu Han turns to look up at Yifan with a grin. "Us two guys out for an afternoon with our pets."

"I don't think we can call them our pets," Yifan says, feeling slightly uncomfortable at the term. Chanyeol isn't his pet. Even though he kind of is. In a weird sort of pet but not pet but was a pet but is now a human sort of way. It's complicated. 

"Fine," Lu Han amends and swings his arms slightly. "Here we are, two guys out for an afternoon with our boyfriend-love-things."

Yifan is a large person. So, when Yifan stumbles, it's kind of noticeable. Lu Han snorts out a really unattractive laugh. "Our what?"

"What, you haven't- but." Lu Han looks horribly evil and Yifan remembers now how much he hates him. "But the way you two look at each other."

"What about how we look at each other?" Yifan is very uncomfortable. Yifan is fond of Chanyeol. Extremely fond of Chanyeol. Fond is precisely the proper word to describe his current emotional status towards Chanyeol. 

"It's like how I look at Chen," Lu Han says, eyes flashing. "Or how Joonmyun looks at Sehun. Or how Yixing looks at Baekhyun."

"No, it isn't." Yifan has a fever again.

Lu Han looks gleeful. "Are you blushing?"

Yifan really hates Lu Han. Like, a lot. A lot, a lot. Lu Han is probably the reincarnated creature from hell that you hear about or see in movies and which basically ruins your world. 

Chen and Chanyeol at least seem to be getting along better at the end of the day. 

Chanyeol looks very thoughtful for the rest of the day as Yifan takes him home.

"I am learning a lot!" Chanyeol tells Yifan happily as he nearly falls over taking off his shoes. "Being human has a lot of rules and interesting things and I am learning so much!"

"Good," Yifan says as the melon returns to his throat.

\---

It isn't until the next day that Yifan realizes that perhaps allowing Chanyeol prolonged exposure to Chen, who has had prolonged exposure to Lu Han, who is, by default, evil and insane, might not have been the best decision he's ever made. Yifan realizes this because he wakes up in the morning with Chanyeol lying on top of him and curled around him and squeezing him so enthusiastically Yifan doesn't think his ribs will ever recover.

Chanyeol is also naked again. 

Yifan has the worst fever of his life and is so fond of Chanyeol that he's probably going to explode in fondness. 

"Chanyeol," Yifan manages to gasp out from the lack of oxygen. 

"Yifan." Chanyeol's voice is really deep in the morning. Okay, so maybe, just maybe, Yifan isn't only fond of Chanyeol. Chanyeol presses more against Yifan and, yeah, this is mostly not okay, please stop. 

"Chanyeol, please get off." But, really, seriously, don't. No, wait, yes, please get off. Please, please let go because breathing is - 

"Why?" 

"Um." There is a proper answer for this somewhere. Yifan just doesn't remember where it is. Or what it is. "Because I say so."

Yifan prays this will work. Chanyeol shuffles his head until his face is just centimeters from Yifan's. His skin is impossibly smooth and his eyes shine so brightly Yifan probably would have breathing problems even without Chanyeol squeezing the life out of him. 

Yifan is really fucking fond of Chanyeol. 

"Okay," Chanyeol says and releases slightly so that Yifan can properly inhale and exhale and, you know, attempt to figure out how to collect his sanity. Which is currently trying to make a break for it. "Good morning!" Chanyeol says brightly and the next second has placed his mouth on Yifan's mouth and Yifan doesn't even know what air is because what.

Movement? Yifan should probably do something. Like push Chanyeol away. Or pull him in. Or, I dunno, move. 

Chanyeol moves for him, leaning in and pressing his mouth further against Yifan's and settling into him and it's about the time that Chanyeol tilts his head and makes that sound that Yifan realizes that Chanyeol is kissing him and that's probably, well, a little bit more than affectionate.

Chanyeol makes a very startled sound when Yifan pushes him back frantically and tries to rein himself in. Because, despite the fact that Chanyeol has just kissed him, it hadn't been an entirely unpleasant experience. 

FOND. YIFAN IS FOND OF CHANYEOL.

"What are you doing?" Yifan sounds breathless and excited and far more okay with Chanyeol kissing him than he should. Because Chanyeol is a dog and Yifan's pet and Yifan should not be thinking about-

Yep. Chanyeol is naked. And mostly lying on top of Yifan. That's a thing that currently is real. 

"Kissing?" Chanyeol seems to contemplate for a moment while Yifan tries to keep his heart from leaping out his mouth in excitement. "I think that's what Chen called it. Yeah, kissing!" Chanyeol looks very pleased with himself. "I like kissing! Do you like kissing! I think it's great! I put my mouth on your mouth and it's really nice. Can I kiss you more?" Chanyeol makes to dive down again and Yifan barely has a moment to react and push him off before Chanyeol is once more kissing him enthusiastically and Yifan is so done with his fondness which probably isn't really fondness at all and is something much more than fondness because Yifan already adored Chanyeol as a dog and Chanyeol as a human is just as-

Chanyeol moans against Yifan's mouth and Yifan just gives up. 

Yifan always ended up giving into Chanyeol anyway. He may as well just stop fighting it.

\---

Yixing's eyebrows raise on his forehead as Baekhyun grins in amusement. Yifan doesn't really bother acknowledge them as he continues to gently stroke through Chanyeol's soft hair from where Chanyeol is sprawled happily on the couch, head resting in Yifan's lap as he grins at everything and anything.

"You too?" Yixing asks, looking at the couple on the couch as Baekhyun's eyes glint in amusement. 

"What?" Yifan asks as Chanyeol huffs delightedly. 

"You're dating your pet human too?" Yixing clarifies as Lu Han walks from the kitchen carrying a bowl of chips, Chen following with salsa. 

"What's so bad about it?" Lu Han asks, flopping into the giant squishy armchair, Chen clambering into his lap a moment later after putting down the salsa. "I, for one, love my pet human."

"Ew," Yifan shoots at Lu Han and earns a tongue stuck out at him in return. Yifan grins as Chanyeol rolls onto his back and looks up at him with those big brown eyes and his amazing smile. "But yeah, I guess I am."

"I think it's cute," Baekhyun says, looking between the two couples before turning to Yixing. "I mean, come on, look at them."

"I am not cute," Lu Han says flatly. 

"You're wearing a couple shirt with Chen and-" Yifan's eyes widen. "Oh my God, you got one." Lu Han glares at him as he bursts out laughing raucously. Chanyeol sits up and looks confused but clearly wanting to know what's going on. 

"What?!" Chanyeol asks, flopping into Yifan's side as Yifan attempts to control his laughter and Lu Han glares at him. Chen just looks smug. 

"You actually got a collar," Yifan gasps out between laughs, eyes on the thin brown band around Lu Han's neck. It's more like a choker necklace but Yifan's pretty sure he knows better. 

Yixing nearly vaults off the small couch as he tries to see this new accessory, drawing back a moment later and laughing hysterically. "Whipped," Baekhyun says as Lu Han looks severely not amused. Chen still looks smug as he gently runs his fingers over the thin brown band on Lu Han's neck. 

"I hate you all," Lu Han says, glaring at them as Chen's face splits in a smile. 

"I like it," Yixing says, still sniggering. "It suits you."

"I like you," Baekhyun says and Yixing grins back to him.

"I like Yifan!" Chanyeol pipes up from where he's slouched against Yifan's side, head resting comfortably on his shoulder as Yifan keeps an arm around him, unable to keep the euphoric grin off his face. 

"We know," Chen says exasperatedly. 

Yifan decides that really, if he's honest with himself. He doesn't really hate Lu Han all that much. Chanyeol nudges him in the chin with his nose and he looks down into the face that he's grown to love more than he really though he ever could. 

Yeah, Yifan doesn't actually hate Lu Han at all.


End file.
